An attachment style is the way in which you attach to other people in relationships. Your attachment style is typically formed during your infancy and childhood with your primary caregiver, and falls into one of four different categories:
- Anxious (or ambivalent) attachment style
- Avoidant-dismissive attachment style
- Disorganized attachment style
- Secure attachment style
An anxious attachment style can be a challenge to overcome, but it is possible to move from this attachment style to a secure attachment style. An anxious attachment style is characterized by a fear of loss, abandonment. It manifests as the individual coming across as needy and often seeking validation from their partner. Individuals in this category highly value their relationships and have an overwhelming fear of losing it, which manifests as anxiety fueled behaviors. They are often highly sensitive to potential threats to the relationship in question. This can create problems in relationships, as the partner feels smothered or like they are not trusted.
The anxious attachment style differs from the avoidant style in that it presents more dismissively or distant. In a way, it can present in the quite polar opposite as the anxious style. They may be less comfortable investing in relationships, trusting others, and expressing emotions. They often do not want to depend on others or have others depend on them. They often give themselves space and distance when they feel uncomfortable, especially if a situation is getting closer than they like.
A blend of the anxious and avoidant style is the disorganized attachment style. This style has features of both avoidant and anxious. It is characterized by unpredictability. It can have a very confusing pattern where the individual may feel very attached and very involved, but that same individual, with that same person, can suddenly distance themselves in disproportionate ways. Individuals who experience this may also have cognitive symptoms such as dissociation or difficulty remembering or thinking in an organized or clear manner.
The best attachment style for an individual to operate with is the secure attachment style. This type is a more healthy balance of independence and closeness. There is expression of emotion, comfort with dealing with the emotions of others, but not over involvement. At the same time, they are not overly distant. There is a healthy sense of self, boundaries, trust and reciprocity in their interactions.
How Can Being Anxious Impact Someone’s Dating Life or Relationship?
In order to have a healthy relationship, it calls for healthy behaviors. This involves reasonable boundaries, ground rules, reciprocating and appropriate and good communication. Relationships naturally call on us to become emotionally vulnerable, and hopefully both parties are attentive to the needs of each other. However, anxious dynamics can have negative impacts, such as deterring individuals away who may feel overwhelmed by the situation. Or sometimes individuals with anxious dynamics can find themselves continuing in unhealthy relationships as they can find themselves eager for any validation even if other aspects of the relationship are unhealthy. Developing a more secure style attracts the right people to you.
How Can You Move Away From an Anxious Attachment Style Towards a More Secure One?
Guidance can be very helpful in shedding insights that the individual may not be fully aware of. One can learn how certain behaviors can feel to another individual and alternative ways of reacting that are more likely to yield the desired response, which is to be in a happy and healthy relationship. When anyone has unhealthy habits, many of us are not doing it intentionally for the sake of making our lives harder! But when we are made aware of how we make others feel, how things can come across and what we can do about it, it opens the floor for us to strengthen our interpersonal skills to achieve the goals we have. For example, someone who has a tendency towards an anxious dynamic may leave many text messages to someone. But getting into the habit of leaving fewer or double texting at most, would help the situation, so the other party can feel less overwhelmed, take time to formulate a response (if they do respond) and the person doing the texting can have a feeling of dignity. As we know, sending too many communications eventually creates the effect of pushing someone away, and we want to minimize that and skills can be made to help an individual regulate and cope in the meantime while dealing with the uncertainty.
Practical Steps a Person Can Take to Heal From an Anxious Attachment
Journaling is a great way to reflect on the recent events. Both when in the heat of the moment and after some time is passed and when they are feeling more collected. They can also ask themselves if a friend approached them with the scenario, what would they advise the friend to do? We often have an idea of what wise decisions are, but executing them can be a different story. One piece of advice I always give is, hold off on major decisions or communications when emotionally overwhelmed. This falls into the category of things like drunk texting. But when we are emotional, it does compromise our judgment. Please give it time. And please, do not say anything without rigorous thought. Emails, texts, voicemails, even just words, once released cannot be taken back.
Dealing With Anxious Attachment
In general, if you have an anxious attachment style the best partner you can have to help you be your best self, is yourself. Regardless of what tendencies we hold, it is about what we do with them. If we are being self-aware and there are good faith efforts to make healthy choices, that’s the big picture.
It’s important to understand that you can truly heal from an anxious attachment style. There are all sorts of challenging backgrounds we can come from including neglect, chaos, abuse, and more. We are unable to change the past, and the past can be very unfortunate. But we have control over what we do ourselves in the present. The mind is very teachable and much like a muscle. Use it in healthy ways, repeat, and we can literally create new neural pathways and ways of experiencing and interacting with the world!
If you think you or struggling with an anxious attachment style or anxiety in your relationships, an experienced therapist near you can help. We invite you to reach out to our clinic to book an appointment today. Request an Appointment online.
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